How to: Screw Interviews Up

In this past week, I've been interviewed twice – which is more than the number of times I've been interviewed in the last couple of years. One of them went really badly – (yes, intentionally) and the other, important one, went pretty badly. (Unintentionally). Following these two major and minor debacles, this guide just had to be born – documenting the errors I made. So, for the times when you really want to screw your interview up or when you really don't, here's 'How to screw interviews up' :

The interviewer will always ask you to tell him something about yourself. Make sure you tell him something routine/normal/boring – something to generate absolutely no interest at all and ensure that you do not jump off the page right at him.

Make sure you have absolutely no idea about the organisation you're trying to get in to – I can't stress this enough – Do not research at all and make sure you project an attitude of not giving a shi*t about the outcome of the interview.

The interviewers generally feel it's their duty to atleast have one of those typical, well documented interview questions in the interview. If that is happening, it's a signal that he's using his backup questions and the interview isn't going great. [GREAT!] In the happy circumstance of this happening, make sure your answers are as common as possible. Take a lot of time to think, do not project an image of spontaneity. Include a lot of 'uhh'_s and '_umm's; usage of the word 'like' extremely often is highly encouraged – and finally give him the most common answer in the book.

Make sure you're all panicky and nervous before the interview – so that however great an 'on-your-feet' thinker you are, you lose all your wits when he asks you that all important question:

And finally, interviewers will always ask you if you have any questions for them at the end of the interview. Make sure you do not ask him any question other than trivial details. Use of humor is absolutely advised against – as that could leave him with a lasting positive impression.

No laughs from either of you during the interview?
Brilliant.
None of your laughs reciprocated by the interviewer throughout the interview?
Even better.

DISCLAIMER : The author in no way takes any responsibility whatsoever for the readers screwing important interviews up thus causing grave personal damage. All guidelines mentioned here have been tried and tested by the author himself, however, should be followed only at the reader's own discretion risk.

The interviewer has been replaced by male pronouns everywhere in the post, however that in no way is a disrespect towards females. This has been done regarding convenience issues.